If we’ve learned anything over our years serving the woodworking community, the thing we’ve become convinced of more than any other is that our readers are supremely discerning and will tolerate nothing less than excellence. They know what true craftsmanship is. They can properly identify mass-manufacture from a mile away. And they know that real artisans have big, shiny beards.
And now, we’ve heard your voices, friends. Let me introduce you to the new chapter of Mortise & Tenon, in which we branch out into grooming supplies. I bring you the Mortise & Tenon Signature Series “Artisan Beard Oil” (Certified Authentic).
This premium beard oil is a hand-selected, curated blend of Tung oil (long prized by woodworkers for its ability to impart a rich sheen) and snakewood oil (which has been known to cure just about every sort of malady under the sun. We’re pretty sure it will literally make you invincible). To add a “crafty” aroma, Mike and I have wildcrafted a variety of pre-industrial fragrances, hand-picked to impress all your woodworking comrades. We’ve included pure Maine pine tar extracted from vintage lumber, 192-gram-strength animal hide glue, freshly harvested birch bark, and Certified Authentic perspiration which was sustainably harvested from actual humans engaged in manual labor.
Clockwise from top left: Pine chunks, birch bark, hide glue, perspiration, snakewood oil, and tung oil.
This blend was inspired by the discovery of an ancient recipe book, depicted laying on a workbench in a 15th-century woodshop painting. Upon studying a 19th-century reprint of the text, we found this long-lost recipe for “The Cumulative Fragrance of Sundry True Tradesmen.” After countless experiments cooking concoctions in a wood-fired double-boiler cauldron, Mike and I believe we’ve finally nailed it. This stuff is really… oily. And kind of sticky. And makes you smell like actual work is getting done!
This whole venture is sure to “change the face” of Mortise & Tenon – from now on, our beards are going to be amazing. And yours can be too. As a way to democratize the benefits of this product, though, we’re not going to be selling it – instead, you can sign up to come to our place in Maine for a 3-day intensive workshop so that you can learn to blend your own beard oil.
If this announcement is your dream come true, I have to give credit where credit is due: Grace is the genius behind this new venture. She is such a forward thinker and is always pushing us out of our comfort zones in order to try new offerings. This time, Mike and I finally caved. She’s right about this one – it is going to change everything. If you’re pumped about this new direction for M&T, make sure you email Grace (firstname.lastname@example.org) with a big “Thank you.”
Stay tuned for more details about this beard oil workshop and keep making shavings in the meantime. The Mortise & Tenon Signature Series “Artisan Beard Oil” is about to change your life.
“Accept this for a universal law, that in the pursuit of honorable, free artisanship, there is no more excellent and revolutionary grooming product than Mortise & Tenon Signature Series “Artisan Beard Oil.” Verily, sheen and natural splendour are justly obtained by the application of this ennobling oil.” – John Ruskin
“Some people think that all beard oil is the same – I don’t think so, Tim.” – Al Borland
“I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essentials of life: the axe, the hoe, and M&T’s “Artisan Beard Oil.” – Henry David Thoreau
“The thing about endorsements on the internet is that it’s hard to verify their authenticity. But for real, though, this stuff makes my beard look amazing.” – Abraham Lincoln